dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Girls don鈥檛 want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Nomnomnomnom
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
God: you鈥檙e a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what鈥檚 updog?
Dog: nothing what鈥檚 up with you lol.
God: yep you鈥檙e just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
i don鈥檛 think the t-rex鈥檚 arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can鈥檛 express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
“I鈥檒l NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I should have peed before I left and other things I鈥檒l never learn: A memoir
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?