DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Can. I. Help. You.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.