I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*