Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
LOL
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.