Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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