I camp so other people don’t have to.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Running from your problems is cardio .
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together