Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
The glockness monster
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.