If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
You Might Also Like
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Don’t snitch tag.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil