*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
As the Lord intended
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.