Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Meow
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day