I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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Basketball
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals