[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.