Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
every single time
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.