Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems