Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Animal poetry
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint