me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
This is hilarious….
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.