5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old