No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”