Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.