DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.