please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
happy friday
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.