I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.