Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Canada has crack?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!