Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive