*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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u spoke cat all this time??????
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
.. do you even science?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist