Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.