I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING