Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive