They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal