Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.