*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I cannot call her anything else now
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
we all know this pain all too well
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face