*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree