I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
But is it really??
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”