My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*