I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.