I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
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[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?