“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*