My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
You have been warned.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else