I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Reporter: *ports again*
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers