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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
🙀🙀🙀😹
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Oh no
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea