[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.