“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?