The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The best shot in the history of golf
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.