7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Peace was never an option
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.