I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.