how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
You Might Also Like
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
This is a bad sign
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair