Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Birds & Planes.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE