Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”