To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You Might Also Like
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!