8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
*Seductively hides in the woods
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake